No one should feel ashamed to ask for help

Mum of three Abeda Rahman, from Chadwell Heath, reached out to Saint Francis Hospice’s helpline OrangeLine when her mum sadly died and she was struggling to cope with her loss. Here Abeda shares her story to help lift the stigma which she says is stopping people from the Bangladeshi community accessing vital support when they need it.

My mum had always been such an active lady. She worked as a social worker in Tower Hamlets for many years and she cared for my dad before he died.

Mum was diagnosed with dementia and over the years her health declined. By 2021 she had become very frail.

Caring for Mum

In April 2021, I decided to give up my job because I needed to be there for my mum. At the time, my job was too demanding and the work life balance was not there with mum needing more help from me.

Luckily my husband was able to manage the finances without my income. Mum was a key person in helping me raise my three children so they were so close to her. And as the children were working, they were able to contribute. I was so blessed to have that support.

Mum was in the hospital for quite a bit of time in January 2022. When she eventually came home, we were told she had three months to live but we didn’t absorb it. She only lasted months before it was her time to go in April 2022. It was Mum’s wish to be at home and when she passed away all her immediate family were with her.

OrangeLine helped me move on

I felt very lonely after she died. All of a sudden Mum was not there. I did not have to rush off to see her or feed her. I did not have to get up. My days were not so productive. The day would go and I would think, what have I done! I was so fearful of falling into a depression.

While we were at the hospital, the palliative care team had given us a leaflet about the OrangeLine support service at Saint Francis Hospice. I kept it with a view to reaching out at some point. 

I eventually decided to get in touch with OrangeLine and they responded so quickly. Lisa, one of the helpline volunteers, would call me every week and over the 4-6 weeks we spoke, she had a huge impact on me.

I found myself really looking forward to her call. She helped me to look forward. As we were talking, I would think, I want to go back to work. I was getting bored of being at home. It was so helpful to have someone to call and speak to about how I was feeling and dealing with things.

I started applying for jobs and Lisa encouraged me when I was doing the applications and she would say, “We are rooting for you. I am sure you will get it.” The first interview was awful. I knew everything but I could not say it. When I spoke with Lisa, she said, “that’s ok, just keep going and try again.”

I got the third job I went for. I was a bit worried having a gap in my career and thought it may go against me but my employer understood. It has been so good for me to help others and be in work.

There is no shame in asking for help

I have a wonderful family and I have my faith but I still needed someone extra. Faith will take you to a degree but the speaking element gives you the extra support you need.

I think many people in the Bangedeshi community feel they need to be able to manage by themselves. Culturally, the expectation is that every family looks after their loved ones themselves. But every family is different and there is often so much pressure on the family. People worry about what other people may think if they reach out and ask for help. There is a bit of a stigma in doing so.

Knowledge is key - It is important to be aware of what is out there before deciding if you want the help or not.

No one should feel ashamed to ask for help. That space may give you more energy to give to your father or mother or the person you are looking after.

Last year I also reached out to get counselling for some unresolved issues in my life. I don’t think I would have done so if I had not been speaking to Lisa. I have found it so useful. My perspective on things has changes. I can take on more things without getting stressed out. It is so important that we look after our mental health in the same way we look after our physical health.