"The Hospice gave me my mum back"

Jan Hayzelden has been cheering on supporters at Saint Francis Hospice’s fundraising events for many years but  decided to give the gift of her time to help patients and families on the ward. Here Jan tells us why volunteering means so much to her.

My mum Ethel never wanted to come to the hospice. She had bowel cancer and the first time she came to the ward was for pain relief. She wasn’t happy when she arrived at reception but within a day, she said, “It’s like being in a hotel, you can have anything here.”

The next day, she said, “I had a Martini last night.” She could not believe how kind everyone was. There is a serious side to it but there was a lot of laughter on the ward.

Mum's final stay at the Hospice

She came a second time for pain relief. She wanted to die at home and we had everything put in place.  We had carers but she wanted me to do the intimate caring. It was so difficult because her skin was so fragile and it hurt her.

It was so upsetting and one day I called Julia in the hospice’s community nursing team and said, “I cannot cope, can Mum come into the hospice?”  

When she got to the hospice, the nurse who met her was amazing, and she sat with mum and I. She said, “Now Jan can be your daughter and not your carer.”

The hospice gave me my mum back and she was fine being at the hospice. She loved everyone she met and she knew what to expect.

The Hospice helped us make the most of our time together

There were nice times and I feel the hospice helped me with that. My mum and I were so close. The best memory I could ever have was at the hospice.  My birthday is on 27 March and Mum was not expected to make it. She asked my sister-in-law to get a card and a present for me. The nurses knew what was happening - they had the cake and put the curtains around so we could have a special birthday. Mum gave me a bracelet with Special Daughter on it.

For a week I was able to stay with mum 24/7.  Everyone was so kind and caring.

The hospice never stopped caring for me

I have had a lot of support from Sue Spong, who is a counsellor with the Family Support Team.  Sue is amazing and I saw Sue a few times before Mum passed in 2011. Mum said to Sue, “look after my Jan” and Sue has been fulfilling that obligation. If I was feeling down or needing a rant, Sue is there to listen and support me.

Christmas is always a difficult time for me and it will never be the same without Mum. Christmas 2022 was the second worse to the first Christmas. I missed her so much.

As Christmas comes up, Sue will always say, “what is your plan? Make a plan and stick to it.”

I also attend the Walk On group which meets on the first Wednesday of every month and this has helped me so much too.

Giving the gift of time

Before I retired as a special education needs practitioner for a Learning Support Service and then a school, I was volunteering at events such as the London Marathon, Ride London and the Christmas Market.

I wanted to volunteer on the ward but I didn’t know if I would be able to do it. For the first few weeks, I thought I would have to give it up.  Even though I knew what the place is about, I struggled to come in and see people who are here one week and not here the following week.

The turning point came when I was leaving a patient’s room on the ward and I overheard two daughters who were sitting with their mum saying, “Isn’t Jan lovely!” It made me feel I was doing OK. I was doing what I wanted to do and that was to make a difference and to help people have the best experience, just as Mum did.

When you are on the outside everyone comes across so nice. When you are on this side, they really are nice. Everyone is so lovely to work with. That is reassuring as I know it did not just happen when I was sitting with Mum, it happens all the time.

I have worked with children for 44 years and had a career helping and caring for people and I am still able to do care and help people in retirement. I get so much back from volunteering and I feel so appreciated.