How the Hospice supported Surinder

Caring and supporting someone you love when they are seriously ill can be incredibly emotional and stressful for families. Here Jasi Paul shares how her family are still coming to terms with the loss of her sister-in-law Surinder Paul who died in December 2020 aged 56.

Surinder was like a best friend, confidant and my partner in crime, and she had an incredible relationship with all her nephews and nieces and was especially close to my three children as she predominantly lived with us and was like a second mum to my youngest daughter, Jasmine.

Surinder with her niece, Jasmine

Surinder was super intelligent, compassionate, independent, spiritual, loving, giving, fun, quirky and she had a great sense of humour. All children and young adults could all relate to her and turn to her for advice and support and getting up to no good! 

Surinder's diagnosis and journey

She was living in Australia when she found a lump in her breast in 2012. She was returning to the UK to visit family and decided to go for tests which resulted in a diagnosis of breast cancer in September 2012. Most people go down the conventional route but Surinder didn’t want to have chemotherapy and radiotherapy. She felt she was not strong enough to go through the mastectomy that was offered in January 2013.  She strongly felt she could cure this disease through her diet,  with support and love.  She took on the exhaustive research and looked into many alternative therapies including oxygen therapy, crystal therapy, and homeopathy which was her initial route for healing since her adolescent years. She completely changed her lifestyle and diet; she cut out sugar, took on an alkaline diet, ate fresh cooked organic food and had freshly made green juices daily.

Surinder with her Dad, Shamsher

She was doing everything she could to fight the cancer and had a very positive approach to healing herself from this terrible disease.

There were times when I felt that having conventional treatment could have saved her life; but I knew there were no guarantees that this would have been the case. It was quite challenging to support her journey at times as I believed there was not enough conclusive evidence to back up all the claims made by alternative therapies and medicine.  But we all respected her wishes and tried to support her with her journey. 

Surinder even shared her journey in a documentary called The Cancer Conflict which focused on 2 people with cancer - one who went down the conventional route of medical treatments and Surinder’s decision to take an alternative approach. 

Surinder wanted to talk about her illness but most of us didn’t know how to have those conversations, especially as she was totally convinced that she could fight the cancer. She had a close relationship with few of the family members, especially my son Pav, with whom she talked about how she was feeling and what she was going through.

Seeking support from the hospice

Unfortunately, after managing it for six years, for the last two years of her life, she got lymphedema in her left arm. This was when she really needed support as it was extremely disabling and painful for her to manage on her own. We managed to convince her to come home and stay with her parents, where the whole family were able to try and support her, also at this point she turned to Saint Francis Hospice for support. In 2019 she was cared for on the ward when her arm was becoming severely swollen, painful and very heavy.

In October 2020, she reached out to the Hospice again, she needed support in managing her arm, which was extremely heavy and getting progressively worse as the wound was very raw, and required bathing and bandages. She had an amazing relationship with her consultant at the hospice, Dr Corinna Midgley who really looked to meet Surinder’s needs. Surinder loved nature and longed to have views of a garden and greenery as unfortunately, her bedroom at her parent’s house, where she was the last year or so of her life, faced a very busy and noisy main road.

Surinder and her sister-in-law, Sandeep, during her stay at the Hospice

Thanks to Dr Corrina, this time she had her own room looking out onto the gardens. She was so pleased with the room as it bought her lots of joy seeing out into the garden with all the greenery. 

 All the family were able to visit and spend time with her, and take food for her due to her special diet.

While at the hospice, Surinder had reflexology treatments and the therapists would make special blends for her - some for her skin and some to help ease her anxiety and help her to relax.  

The physiotherapy team supported her with exercises to reduce the swelling and she was given a special frame to help her stay mobile. She also told us about how one of the staff took the time to put her hair into French braids and she found it really nurturing.

It was Surinder’s wish to pass away at home and Dr Corinna, put everything in place so she could go home and spend her last days with her family.

Remembering our wonderful Surinder

Dealing with loss as a family

Just ten days after Surinder died, my Mum passed away unexpectedly. We lost two main people in our family that we were really close to, so the loss was huge especially for my children. 

In our culture, we have a bereavement process that when someone dies everyone comes to the house to pay their respects. Through this process we cry together, we may laugh, we would talk about our loved one, about our emotions and feelings. We lost out on these really important conversations that help the grieving process because of covid.

Following the funerals, my aunt was in hospital in high dependency unit for two months with covid and other vulnerable members of the family were seriously affected by the virus. Additionally, 2021 was a year full of so much change for my family; we had to sell my parent’s house, my son got married and we bought and sold our house and moved into rented accommodation. On top of all this we were unusually busy with our fashion business, that we did not have the space to deal with our grief. 

How the family support team cared for us too

Surinder’s death was so traumatic, for the whole family, Corrina had recommended for family members to access counselling if they so felt the need: My son Pav was particularly affected that he suffered from post-traumatic stress disorder. He associated any pain he had with Surinder’s pain. He was able to access counselling from the Hospice.  He said the structured conversation and guidance through his thoughts in a safe space helped him to process the trauma of her death and to cope with his huge loss and all subsequent changes that took place in his life.   

Jasi in the hospice gardens where she came for counselling

I found myself being tearful all the time, so in September last year, I knew it was time for me to get some help and I contacted the Hospice.  

My youngest daughter Jasmine and I both started counselling in January this year. We are both finding it really helpful.  It’s been really nurturing for me to talk about Surinder and my Mum, and process everything that happened in 2020/2021. I find the process of talking about everything that happened to Surinder and the trauma she, and we all faced, hard but necessary.  I see this process as a way of shedding the layers of grief and change I have been carrying for over two years.  

We can’t thank the Hospice enough for the support that was given to Surinder; she used so many of the therapies offered to her, the nurses were always so helpful and attentive and tried to make her stay as comfortable as possible. The support given by Corinna for when Surinder chose to go home for end of life was remarkable.